The Most Useless Gimmicks/Features on Smartphones

I get a good laugh at some of the crap companies put on smartphones to entice buyers, most of which don't work right or generally people find useless. If you do find any of these useful, you either have a really good reason why or you have a brain condition and you might want to get that checked out. Here's my list of non- useful or non-essential features on the market.

1. Air View

Is your screen so clean that you just can't TOUCH IT?

Samsung's Air View is one of those gimmicks I find so ludicrously useless it sickens me how much bragging Samsung does to promote it. Its essentially motions detectors built into the phone that allows you to do things like answer calls without touching the screen. Unless your an absolute clean freak and seeing one fingerprint on your S4's screen gives you a hard on, it's a dumb feature. First off all, it only efficiently detects movement about an INCH away from the screen, second of all, only a handful of apps use it, most of which you've never even heard of or will ever use with or without Air View. A feature in the phone just because the S4 does it, but your phone can't so give Samsung your money and feel like an ass afterwards.

2. Eye Detection/ Smart Pause

Again, just touch the screen if you want your shit paused.

Another feature the S4 tries to shove into everybody's face. This one uses eye detection so if your watching a video and your dick friend distracts you from watching it by doing dick things. It pauses the video when you look away. Now unlike Air View this one sounds pretty nifty and could be useful but the it was executed poorly and you end up having to hold the phone a certain angle and it doesn't always detect it accurately.

3. Designer Audio Drivers

YEAHHH MOAR BASS

I'm not fond of designer audio brands where all their product is, is just a mediocre pair of speakers in a stylish casing and some celebrity's name slapped on it to jack the price up(Who honestly wants a Beats Pill for $200?) Honestly when you have a designer name branded onto a phone because it has built in speakers by Beats, the sound really isn't any different from plain jane built in speakers. You may get some few slightly noticeable differences but with the size of these speakers in mind, you wont really notice anything out of the ordinary. Also front facing speakers is just plain logic, there isn't anything revolutionary about it... oh come to think about it... neither is this.

4. All Metal Bodies

How tough is tough?

All metal bodies do serve their purpose, but can be executed poorly. Basically the first impression a customer get when they see a phone is metal bodied they believe it's indestructible which is an selling point in itself. The HTC One for example; I don't think I noticed if they mentioned what type of metal it was in their commercials all over the airways, it was later found to be aluminum which is a SOFT yet lightweight metal. Usually these have hardening treatment done to the body which strengthens it further and it can withstand keys or potentially knives. You drop this thing from considerable heights on asphalt it's going to leave a mark. It's probably just there to jack the price up as well. This is is still a good phone nevertheless, I just don't find your aluminum body or front facing Beats Audio that revolutionary. It is what your phone isn't... color me surprised... not.

5. Smart Scroll

JUST TOUCH IT

Oh come on Samsung! I just got done saying your hands free features are either near unusable or unsupported and are only in there to entice buys because no other phone but the S4 has it? And your trying to convince me, that scrolling down a page by tilting your phone is a great innovation? I feel like you almost had me at laughs but ya know... IDGAF.

6. Giant Screens

Hurt's more in your back pocket than a stuffed wallet.

I'm going to start off saying I do own a Galaxy Note I and it does everything I need it to, nothing extra other than it has a screen that dwarfs the competition. Since this phone it's almost like another whole branch of the phone manufacturers are in a race to get the largest screen on the market. I know for a fact a large screen is nice, it tops the one on my old Vibrant but it's nothing radically different between the two, they're practically the same phone only with some software and definite size differences but the function is the same, and hell they were free so why not. Other than that, having a screen bigger than the competition is just another way to entice buyers. If you want something that really wont fit into your pocket well...

7. Zoom Lenses

Kill me...

Eheh... yep folks that's a phone, not a compact digital camera, the Samsung S4 Zoom, a phone with a bloody zoom lens on it. Why you ask? Because if Nokia has a phone with a giant camera on it that isn't that impeding anything other than you have a huge ass circle on the back of your phone, Samsung has to put an actual zoom lens on it and obviously digital cameras take far nicer photos than any phone so logic? Yes. Dumb logic? Indeed.

Whats Next?

You fucking wish.

Probably the next in a line of one million Galaxys, iPhone's, Nokia's oh who cares, they are all phones and no matter how much crap they cram into one, I'm only going to use it call, text(rarely), and browse the web. If your complaining that, "Oh, oh, my Galaxy S2 doesn't do much." or "Oh my iPhone 3GS is outdated now." just think back and remember what phones used to be like and be happy you got something that's actually better than the brick sitting in your dresser that you probably stopped using in 2007. And HTC, if you want something purely indestructible, ask Nokia for advice because they built...

...this.